More than a pat: How to help your cat or dog feel safe, comfortable and connected

It’s hard to resist the urge to pat every cute dog or cat you encounter.

But wait: just as you wouldn’t enjoy an unsolicited touching by a stranger, the animal may not be ready and willing either. And what works for Archer the yellow lab likely won’t apply to Trevor the tabby. 

So when is the best time to pat a dog or cat? Where do they prefer to be stroked? And what do they get out of it? Our pets have the answers to these questions, even if they can’t vocalise them. 

Permission to pat

While it’s tempting to jump right in and give a good boy a vigorous head rub, it’s important to remember that the dog may not be ready for you to do so. Therefore, it’s on you to ask first – whether it’s the owner or the animal. Gently pat your own leg and call the dog to you. Once you have permission from the owner and the dog or cat has approached you, it’s patting time. 

When to pat

There are a number of green lights (and red lights) the animal will signal to let you know the best way to initiate a patting session. Always be aware of an animal’s body language.

 Green lights 

• The animal knows you’re there and approaches you. 

• For dogs, a wagging tail is a good sign they’re in the mood for physical attention.  

• Cats should have their tail and ears up, or be lying down with their belly exposed. Both are signs the cat is relaxed and ready to receive you. 

• If the animal stays with you after three tentative pats. 

Red lights 

• Tense body language – bared teeth, growling – is a strong ‘leave me alone’ statement. 

• If the animal is eating, sleeping or, in the case of guide or assistance dogs, working, it’s not time to pat. 

• Dogs that are playing with other dogs, turning away or tucking their tail do not want a pat. 

• For cats, ears that are flattened or pulled back are a sign that they want to be left alone. 

By staying with you or moving away after the initial contact, dogs and cats are making their choice. It’s important to respect that choice and either move away yourself if required, or continue to pat. 

How to pat

There are ways and places to pat that carefully acclimatise dogs and cats to the experience. Ease a dog in by standing side-on; thrusting a hand into their face or head can be an aggressive act to a dog. Offer your hand to sniff, then start with short strokes on the chest, shoulders or side of the neck.  

After a few pats, pause to give the dog a moment to choose whether to continue. When you have your answer, continue to pat calmly and slowly. If at any time the dog moves away, let them go; they’re letting you know they’ve had enough. If they want more, they’ll come to you. 

In the case of cats, it’s best to let them come to you first. Stroke the cheeks, chin or forehead, but stay away from the tummy or tail. Cats aren’t shy about letting you know what they’re thinking, so pause often to give them a chance to disengage. 

Don’t do this!

Dogs: 

• Don’t approach head on; instead, stand side-on. 

• Avoid patting the top of the head, tail, paws or stomach unless you know the dog well. 

• Never pat a dog while they’re sleeping, eating, guarding or showing signs of stress. 

Cats:

• Don’t overstimulate the cat with vigorous patting; stay calm and still. 

• Avoid the stomach, tail and legs unless the cat is familiar with you. 

• Never pat a cat if their tail is flicking, their ears are back or they’re hiding or pulling away. 

Why pat?

Patting is a stress reliever for both sides of the transaction. Dogs and cats are social animals, so a patting session doubles as bonding. Regular and predictable human contact that also feels nice satisfies their need for attention and companionship. 

In dogs especially, patting releases a ‘love hormone’ called oxytocin, which is calming and strengthens the sense of bonding. It’s a two-way street: humans experience releases of oxytocin, dopamine and cortisol – all stress-reducing hormones – when patting their furry friends. 

The gentle action of patting is a universal statement of affection. Your pet understands what you’re saying when you sit down for a cuddle and a pat at the end of the day. Do it right, and your relationship is much stronger for it. 

FAQs

Why do dogs release oxytocin when being patted?

Patting triggers oxytocin release in dogs because physical touch activates their bonding response. Often called the ‘love hormone’, oxytocin promotes feelings of calm and trust. Humans experience the same response when patting a dog, making it a genuinely mutual moment of connection for both pet and owner.

Can patting a pet reduce stress in humans?

Yes, patting a pet has been shown to reduce stress in humans by triggering the release of oxytocin, dopamine, and cortisol-regulating hormones. Even a short patting session can have a calming effect, which is one reason pets are increasingly recognised for their positive impact on human wellbeing.

How do I know if a cat wants to be patted?

A cat that wants to be patted will typically approach you on its own terms, with its tail and ears up or by lying relaxed with its belly exposed. If a cat’s ears are flat, its tail is flicking, or it pulls away, it’s best to stop immediately.

Where should you never pat a dog you don’t know?

Avoid patting the top of the head, paws, tail, or stomach of a dog you don’t know well. These areas can feel threatening or uncomfortable to an unfamiliar dog. Safer starting points are the chest, shoulders, or side of the neck, using calm, slow strokes.

Is it safe to pat a guide or assistance dog?

No, you should never pat a guide or assistance dog while it is working. Distracting a working assistance dog can compromise the safety of the person who depends on it. Always ask the handler for permission first, and wait until the dog has been officially released from its duties.

What body language shows a dog doesn’t want to be patted?

A dog that doesn’t want to be patted may turn away, tuck its tail, show tense body language, bare its teeth, or growl. These are clear signals to stop and give the dog space. Respecting these cues is important for both your safety and the dog’s wellbeing.

Should children be taught how to pat dogs and cats?

Yes, teaching children how to pat dogs and cats safely is an important part of responsible pet ownership and child safety. Children should learn to always ask permission, approach calmly, avoid sensitive areas, and read the animal’s body language before and during any interaction.

Can incorrect patting cause behavioural issues in pets?

Repeated uncomfortable or unwanted patting can contribute to stress and anxiety in pets over time, and may lead to defensive behaviours such as snapping or scratching. Consistent, respectful handling helps build trust and supports a calmer, more confident pet throughout their life.